Thursday, May 25, 2006

The Black Sheep

I think one reason that I was so attached to my Grandma S. is that I felt like she was "all mine". My Aunt Cici was extremely close to her but as far as the grandkids, it was all me. My other grandparents have always been obvious in their preference with my brothers (my MawMaw coming right out and saying it to me). My Mom has always connected with my brothers on a different level than me and I just feel like she loves them more.
This really doesn't hurt me. I don't feel unloved by my family. I just know I'm not the favorite. I think people tend to gravitate towards the children that have their personality type. My ex-stopmom favors my brother Rivers over my sister Nora because Rivers is just like her. I don't think it's concious on the adult's part. It's just the way it is.
I'm not very much like my Grandparents, my Mom or my siblings. I am however very much like my Aunt Cici and my Grandma S. True, my basic characteristics are very much like my mother; we laugh alike, we're both loud, we both adore animals, we're both very sensitive, controlling and impatient. But when you delve deeper into me - my love for big band music, my sense of humor, my taste in television shows and cult(ish) phenomenon - it's all from my Grandma and Aunt.
There was never any competition for attention with Grandma. She was always there for me and let me truly be me. No judgements. No snickers at my interests/opinions. When I was younger, gathered with my family I often felt "me against them". So many times my Mom and brother would laugh at me and I would just cry in frustration because I felt they didn't "get" me. I still don't feel they do but I don't cry anymore. I am secure in who I am. And I like who I am. I do feel sad though that they can't see exactly who I've become.

Well, I think you're fabulous! So there!
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