Thursday, April 28, 2005

How Beautiful Is This?

At a time when the world seems to be spinnin' hopelessly out of control,
There's deceivers an' believers an' old in-betweeners,
That seem to have no place to go.
Well, it's the same old song, it's right an' it's wrong,
An' livin' is just somethin' that I do.
An' with no place to hide, I looked in your eyes,
An' I found myself in you.

I looked to the stars, tried all of the bars.
An' I've nearly gone up in smoke.
Now my hand's on the wheel, I've something that's real,
An' I feel like I'm goin' home.

An' in the shade of an oak down by the river,
Sit an old man an' a boy,
Settin' sail, spinnin' tales an' fishin' for whales,
With a lady they both enjoy.
Well, it's the same damn tune, it's the man in the moon.
It's the way that I feel about you.
An' with no place to hide, I looked in your eyes,
An' I found myself in you.

An' I looked to the stars, tried all of the bars.
An' I've nearly gone up in smoke.
Now my hand's on the wheel, I've something that's real,
An' I feel like I'm goin' home.

Hands On The Wheel ~ Willie Nelson
(pretty tune too)

Heavy Thinking

Everyone has angst. So I smile a lot and I seem to be cheerful 90% (okay maybe 80%) of the time. This doesn't mean I don't have days of constant self-doubt, anger, humiliation, etc... I wonder quite often what my purpose is in this life. I often wonder how my life will turn out. I have my inner demons. I worry whether I'll ever gain the willpower to beat the addiction of overeating. I struggle with the anger I still feel at my parents for the abuse I suffered as a child. I wonder if I should be doing something more worthwhile with my life. Do I offer anything to society or am I a shallow person taking up precious space on this earth. I hate that I question my faith.
I have a bad habit of how I deal with these issues though. I shove them out of my mind. I never linger on them very long. You could say I do a Scarlett ("I'll think about that tomorrow").

Listening to: "The Show Must Go On" ~ Queen

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Sushi is a gift from God

...but for the record, I really hate it when they fall apart. Poor craftsmanship Ms. Publix Sushi Chef. Plus, today I had to settle for my #2 choice because they didn't have my #1 choice. Now, Ms. Publix Sushi Chef. We don't want to be called a slacker, do we? Hmmm?

How wonderfully awesome is it that Zach Braff finally has a new blog entry up? He totally rocks. (I wish he would rock my way a little). Aaaaanyway. He said something on there that struck me: "Take a deep breath and realize how completely insane it is that you're alive." I like it. I think I'll do just that.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I can't think of anything better to write about

What a fabulous weekend. Hubby & I didn't get to play tennis as much as we would have liked. Not that we actually play a game of tennis - it's more like one of us hits the ball and the other runs their ass off all over the court trying to return it or swing & miss action. At any rate we like it but we didn't get to do it much. Saturday Hubby had to go to our rental house and do some maintenance -his very favorite thing to do (sarcasm alert) and I began cleaning the house. We did watch Napoleon Dynamite & High Fidelity. ND was pretty funny. I'm not sure I would pay to watch it again. High Fidelity is awesome. I had seen it before but hubby had not. He of coursed laughed his ass off at Jack Black as I knew he would. The guy is a riot.
I really wished someone else I know watched The Contender. I NEVER would have thought I'd enjoy a show about boxing but I really get into. Last episode I found myself yelling at the tv. Like a dude. My husband looked at me with shock. I was shocked at myself. But wow, it really sucks ya in.

Friday, April 22, 2005


I'm really really jonesing for seasons 4, 5 & 6 of Buffy on dvd. Mostly season 4 because I keep thinking of "Hush". I can barely remember this whole season and I would LOVE to see it again. I just remember thinking that "Pangs" and Xander getting the "funny syphillis" was hysterical. I mean, damn! I gotta finish my Buffy & Angel collection soon because now they are starting to release Scrubs seasons on dvd and I'm just gonna have to get those too.

So many dvds. So little time. (tsk tsk tsk)

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

don't TELL me what to do!

I wish I could just *change* my personality sometimes.
I know some people say that if you really want to change something about yourself that you can but it's just so damn hard.

I unrationally get pissed about the tones & manners in which people speak to me. I'm serious. Irate sometimes. I can't stand someone telling me what to do rather than asking me what to do. "Crystal, can you hand me that fax please?" versus "Crystal, hand me that fax." Somedays I can let it go but other days it drives me crazy.

I also can't handle someone stating all of their opinons as if that is the only opinion that matters in the universe. You know that I'm right and you're wrong kinda attitude. Most people can just ignore this but I can't seem to do that. I just am so incredibly annoyed by it and then the more I think about it the more pissed off I find myself becoming.

Whew. That felt good to say.

On a lighter note, I downloaded a new version of MSN Messenger. Boy, I've been having fun with that.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Spring Is Here!

I added some new nifty accessories to my blog (Today In History & Today's Birthdays down in the lower right hand corner).

I bought some flowers last night. I think spring fever is finally beginning to get to me. A little later than usual though. I bought some marigolds to put in my window-type planters that will go on my front porch and I bought a pre-planted pot with a beautiful mix of pansies & petunias. They are nice and bright. I also bought some more bird seed which I know will make all of the neighborhood critters happy. I think they were tired of looking at the empty feeder.

I'm ready to go home now so I can get to work planting those flowers and nursing the ones I already have in the ground.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Crystal a.k.a. "Cool Sandy"

My friend did me the honor of creating my portrait using her mad photoshop skills. Isn't it brilliant?

Thursday, April 14, 2005

My Art

I think I'll open a gallery. What do you think?

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I've been thinking

I realize that people think I talk more about myself and don't listen enough. With my friends, I'm sure they think I'm so self-centered with the way I prattle on about my life and offer little advice about their own problems. But here's the thing. I feel very inadequate at listening to a friend and offering my thoughts and opinions. Every time I think a friend is expecting me to offer them some words of advice, encouragement or whatnot, I feel like I'm floundering. So to compensate I tell a story about myself that somehow relates to their story but it just comes across that I want to talk about myself. I don't. I just suck terribly at knowing what to say.
Also, I do really enjoy hearing other people tell me their impressions of me. It's not the vanity in me. It's just that I find it fascinating because I discover other people's impressions of me are quite different than my own opinion of myself. For instance, the other day a co-worker and asked me if I could help her figure out what she was doing wrong while trying to build a website. I have no clue how to build a website but I was amazed that I give off the impression that I am knowledgeable about it because I feel so inept at life. I do not feel smart or talented. That is the gosh honest truth.
So why would I feel talentless or not smart? Do I guage intelligence & talent on people I know? Is that in fact "comparing" myself to others?

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

CrystalPistol's Review

Watched Ladder 49 last night. It was very predictable and a bit boring at times but the acting was very solid and there were several cute moments. Joaquin Phoenix did a wonderful job capturing the youthful excitement of a man with his whole life ahead of him. The movie is supposed to take place over the course of 10 years though and John Travolta is the only one that visibly aged (and his was only a tiny bit). They should have made the characters hair styles change at least. Like I said, the story wasn't "wowing" but I get the impression it wasn't supposed to. It felt more like a tribute than an individual story.

I feel the pain of Milton today.

I sit in this "barn" (the best way I can describe our office). I feel smothered by the dark 70's paneling that is so warped our pictures fall down (one employee said "soon we're going to have a round office"). The broken molding, stained carpeting and general ugliness is overwhelming. I have a tiny sliver of a window but all I can see is the pavement straight below me (unless I want to lay down on the floor). Yet thru that tiny sliver I can see the glow of sweet sunshine. It beckons me. It says, "Don't work! Come outside and play! Enjoy me!"

Damn sun.

Monday, April 11, 2005

You probably don't care but....

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I worked my ASS off this weekend! The whole family got together and
cleaned up my Grandparent's yard for Paw Paw's birthday. Sometimes I
forget he's almost 70 and can't do things like that anymore. We raked, we mowed, we trimmed hedges. We filled over 60 lawn bags and hauled off enough branches we probably could've landscaped Biltmore. It had been so long since it's been touched. We're going to help him keep it up this year though so by next spring it won't be as hard. Then yesterday I had to work on my own lawn. It was getting pretty jungle-y out there. So today my biceps are a bit tender. But that's a good thing.

I realized that the forum is like my therapy. You know I've attend NA
meetings with my Mom and even though I'm not an addict I really LOVED the meetings. Because I so strongly desire conversation with others that is completely uninhibited and honest. The board is like that for me. I'm sure there are aspects of ourselves we haven't shared with one another (I know there are things about myself that I haven't shared
with them yet) but for the most part we are really honest with one another and no subject is off-limits. I crave this freedom in other areas of my life.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Nostalgic 'Ol Me

I'm 27. I mean I'm 27! Should I have, like, half of my retirement savings by now? Should I be saddled down with kids? Should I already be well into my career that I decided long ago was my life goal?

Why didn't I grow up? I don't think of myself as 27 years old. I don't know why. I just don't. I still obsess over hunks on tv like I did as a teenager (thankfully my husband doesn't mind too much). I still really enjoy watching cartoons and sleeping with my teddy bear. I still fantasize about being a part of this dream world which is simply a tv show or a silly desire to be a singer.

I guess it has toned down a bit. I don't have Bop posters all over my house, but when I think of myself I honestly don't see 30 looming in the near future. Does this make me abnormal?

Confession of the day: I bought the Jem & The Holograms cartoon series on dvd. I watched them all. I enjoyed them all over again. It made me want to break out my dolls & cassette tapes that I have packed away.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Where are my damn headphones?

oh my FUCKING gosh!! I am so fricking tired of hearing my co-worker bitch about daylight savings time!

Sweet Memories & Bad Predictions

I haven't updated in a while. I guess that means I'm a real blogger, huh?
I saw "Finding Neverland" and "Sin City". FN was really good. It's a subtle story which is uberly sweet. I cried. Of course. I'm such a sap. SC
was very cool to watch. The whole feeling of the film is great. I was a bit bored with the storyline - it didn't go anywhere (like I expected it to.) I was pissed though because Damn! There are female titties & ass all over the place and they couldn't even give us a peek at Clive Owen's or Bruce Willis' manly hottiness?

Hubby & I helped my brother & his family move into their new home Saturday. It went a lot faster than the last week when we have to move everything into a storage unit. It was so nice to see my brother excited about his home. He was so proud to have bought a home and have provided for his family.

I dreamed about my Grandma this weekend. She was still alive and came to visit me. It was so nice to hug her and kiss her. I really miss being able to call her and tell her everything that is going on. I can still hear her voice saying "Hello sweetie". She always perked up when I called, which made me feel good because 1. i knew how much she loved me & 2. it made me happy to make her happy. She was such a wonderful, wonderful woman.

A friend of mine had a baby. He has a heart defect.
He is on a ventilator because the medicine he is on to keep a duct in his heart open causes apnea. He will need a series of three surgeries (the first is this week) to keep him alive. They have been told he may live to 5 years old.

That just totally sucks.

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