Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Lady really is singing the blues

I'm at home again. Seriously, don't need to be. I need to keep my remaining sick/vacation time but this morning I simply could not get myself motivated to leave my home. I was not mentally prepared to face the world today.

It has been a long, long time since I have felt like that. Coming from a family full of depressive addicts I take it very seriously. If I start to feel myself being pulled down I usually do something to counter-act it: watch a comedic movie, go look at houses, listen to Elvis, etc... But last night and today it hit me so suddenly. Totally blindsided me.

So, I thought I was in a situation. I didn't want to be in this situation- I was scared. Then last night I find out I'm not really in the situation. But instead of feeling relieved I felt dissappointed and then WHAMO! - sad. What's up with that? I didn't feel like talking to my husband, I didn't feel like watching tv. I just want to sleep. Now THAT frightens the shit out of me. Countless hours I watch my mother laying in a dark room huddled underneath blankets not having the spirit to pick herself up. I don't ever want to be like that.

I'm not saying I'm currently to that extreme. But I don't ever want to even start heading down that road. Maybe I should go hit that chocolate bunny from my easter basket.

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